Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Addendum
Inspired by but not attaining the heights of this week's New Yorker piece, Animal Tales by Simon Rich, here's the newest family member, Barko, having a few words with the unidentified dog on the other side of the stockade fence.
Unidentified Large Dog: How ya doin'?
Barko: Just getting them assimilated to me. Another week or so and I'll be telling Riley what Life is all about.
ULD: A week? You must be really good! Took me over a month and a half.
B: When d'ya hit the joint?
ULD: Oh, I think I was pushing a few years. I was at one of those species specific rescue places, when is was chosen. You know, even canine mercy has gone the specialty route these days. Back when my father, wherever he is now, was around he would....
B: Yeah, yeah Pops, put a doggy treat in your mouth and let me show you what the kids are bout these days.
ULD: Pops!? Doggie treats?!? Son, you could be my doggy treat if I was to jump this fence.
B: Chill out, Pops. Don't pull a muscle and listen up.
ULD: Ruffffff!
B: So, as I was explicating. I'm only 8 weeks old and this puppy stuff will only last me another 30 weeks or so. So listen up, maybe your kids can take it in when I've given you the facts.
ULD: (Growling..) O.K.
B : These humans are suckers for quite a few things. What is it with them and fur and wobbly legs? They seem to spend a lot of time yelling and grumbling at each other. But put a puppy in front of them? The tree spits out the sap in buckets.
So, here's a few choice bits that have worked quite well. The beauty of them is that I can repeat them over and over again and they never get bored. Like "Seinfeld" reruns except all residuals come to me.
The tilted head with a bit of the tongue showing is always good for some "oohhhh"'s.
Flopping one ear and then the other seems to work with both of the human sexes.
Licking, yep, licking is always good. Seems to suggest to them that I like them. Good to know they'll never realize it's my way of getting the taste of dry dog food out of my mouth.
Tail-wagging is o.k., but especially so if you can do it with an off-beat cadence. In a month, I'll have a Monk-ish wag happenin'; the old fart in the family will think he's seeing ghosts. Rump-moving and tail-shaking seems to make them feel I especially like them.
Laying down and then flipping on my back gets them into a petting frenzy. I think it's the paws pointing straight up and then flopping down at my elbow (I think I have one of those on each leg...or are they my knees?).
Finally, after all of these have worn them down to a bowl of goo, I direct my sparkly black eyes toward them, let out a slight moan, and then stand back as they totally dissolve to liquid.
This bunch I'm with are especially susceptible to my heart-pulling shenanigans. Wish I could spread out my paws on this Mac keyboard so I could e-mail the bro's and sis' at home and let them know all that training in canine hospitality has worked.
I mean, I've even peed on a rug several times and almost unloaded some back-end trash and all I heard as complaints from this family is "ahhhhh......".
ULD: The life, huh?
B: Oh, yeah. Although this 1 yr to 7 yr ratio I keep hearing about is a drag.
ULD: Yep, each day's a week.
B: Well, I'll just have to make sure I let them know my time here is limited and love and attention is all I need. Excuse me, I have to go back inside and work on my Catholic guilt bowling. They haven't seen my "barking at my reflection" bit yet. That's a sure-fired shot to the heart.
Unidentified Large Dog: How ya doin'?
Barko: Just getting them assimilated to me. Another week or so and I'll be telling Riley what Life is all about.
ULD: A week? You must be really good! Took me over a month and a half.
B: When d'ya hit the joint?
ULD: Oh, I think I was pushing a few years. I was at one of those species specific rescue places, when is was chosen. You know, even canine mercy has gone the specialty route these days. Back when my father, wherever he is now, was around he would....
B: Yeah, yeah Pops, put a doggy treat in your mouth and let me show you what the kids are bout these days.
ULD: Pops!? Doggie treats?!? Son, you could be my doggy treat if I was to jump this fence.
B: Chill out, Pops. Don't pull a muscle and listen up.
ULD: Ruffffff!
B: So, as I was explicating. I'm only 8 weeks old and this puppy stuff will only last me another 30 weeks or so. So listen up, maybe your kids can take it in when I've given you the facts.
ULD: (Growling..) O.K.
B : These humans are suckers for quite a few things. What is it with them and fur and wobbly legs? They seem to spend a lot of time yelling and grumbling at each other. But put a puppy in front of them? The tree spits out the sap in buckets.
So, here's a few choice bits that have worked quite well. The beauty of them is that I can repeat them over and over again and they never get bored. Like "Seinfeld" reruns except all residuals come to me.
The tilted head with a bit of the tongue showing is always good for some "oohhhh"'s.
Flopping one ear and then the other seems to work with both of the human sexes.
Licking, yep, licking is always good. Seems to suggest to them that I like them. Good to know they'll never realize it's my way of getting the taste of dry dog food out of my mouth.
Tail-wagging is o.k., but especially so if you can do it with an off-beat cadence. In a month, I'll have a Monk-ish wag happenin'; the old fart in the family will think he's seeing ghosts. Rump-moving and tail-shaking seems to make them feel I especially like them.
Laying down and then flipping on my back gets them into a petting frenzy. I think it's the paws pointing straight up and then flopping down at my elbow (I think I have one of those on each leg...or are they my knees?).
Finally, after all of these have worn them down to a bowl of goo, I direct my sparkly black eyes toward them, let out a slight moan, and then stand back as they totally dissolve to liquid.
This bunch I'm with are especially susceptible to my heart-pulling shenanigans. Wish I could spread out my paws on this Mac keyboard so I could e-mail the bro's and sis' at home and let them know all that training in canine hospitality has worked.
I mean, I've even peed on a rug several times and almost unloaded some back-end trash and all I heard as complaints from this family is "ahhhhh......".
ULD: The life, huh?
B: Oh, yeah. Although this 1 yr to 7 yr ratio I keep hearing about is a drag.
ULD: Yep, each day's a week.
B: Well, I'll just have to make sure I let them know my time here is limited and love and attention is all I need. Excuse me, I have to go back inside and work on my Catholic guilt bowling. They haven't seen my "barking at my reflection" bit yet. That's a sure-fired shot to the heart.
Labels: Family Matters
Friday, May 02, 2008
Wish I had a Tongue to Get Tied
From the Globe & Mail, a most excellent of articles dealing with funerals and their attendance. A favorite passage,
"Anyway, enough said on the topic of "You should have gone."
Since you didn't, I would say your best bet now is to send your sister a note of both condolence and apology - a note expressing your sincerest "condologies" (memo to Hallmark, you should have this type of card, it'd be a big seller: "I'm very, very sorry for your loss - and also my behaviour during your time of grief.") Be humble, don't try to justify. Say you're an idiot and really, really sorry.
".
Don't know about you, but I am an utter idiot when it comes to funerals/wakes/viewings, if I have the moral strength to come to them. Aside from saying the wrong thing, not saying anything, forgetting people's names (including my own at one occasion), not knowing when to move on in the line, shaking the hands of the grieving family too enthusiastically, and, last and certainly not the least, blubbering at every one of these events as if a closest family member of mine has gone on. You would think that with age would come an acceptance of the inevitable note, You're Gonna Die. It is a less disturbing site for friends and acquaintances to not have me at funerals they are tangentally involved with.
I'll try my best to at lease send a card or bouquet of black roses.
Labels: Family Matters, Humans
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
In the Shadows
I've been out of the writing jag for a good two weeks. Sorry, Folks! Had some rather urgent family matters that not only took up quite a bit of home and work time but, frankly, left me drained when any free time magically popped up.
Calm and predictability has set back in and I hope to be jotting shortly.
In the meantime, I'm pointing over to Fooled by Randomness, where I've whiling away some hours in anticipation of horrors yet to come. Anyone out there, by chance, read Mr. Taleb's book, The Black Swan?
Since reading this review back in last summer, I've been tempted to add it to the bedstack so that it would eventually be read. But, alas, it is still in some book warehouse waiting for my order.
Here's a site Mr. Taleb linked to providing a synopsis of his ideas.
Calm and predictability has set back in and I hope to be jotting shortly.
In the meantime, I'm pointing over to Fooled by Randomness, where I've whiling away some hours in anticipation of horrors yet to come. Anyone out there, by chance, read Mr. Taleb's book, The Black Swan?
Since reading this review back in last summer, I've been tempted to add it to the bedstack so that it would eventually be read. But, alas, it is still in some book warehouse waiting for my order.
Here's a site Mr. Taleb linked to providing a synopsis of his ideas.
Labels: Family Matters, Idiosyncracies
