Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry to All
Quick-moving Santa on 12th Street in South Philly on Christmas Eve. SLOW-moving photographer with side window pulled down driving through sludge with one hand on wheel and other hand manipulating a camera. Santa was in full cheer and regalia, toting what seemed to this one-eye-on-the-road-one-eye-on-the-SouthPhilly-Santa an Extra Large plastic trash can filled with possible non-goodies. SouthPhilly Santa, complete down to his black patent leather Catholic nun shiny boots, heaved some Ho-Ho's our way but was not in the mood to stop and pose....which was a good thing as the driver on my bumper was throwing me some definitely non Ho-Ho's while I was slowing down to capture a glimpse of SouthPhilly Santa for posterity.
A typical South Philly window exhibit with noted matching scarved penguins serving to center a replcia of the garbage bag toting SouthPhilly Santa glimpsed above. Wish I had a bit more time to skulk about the neighborhood to provide additional evidence of Christmas cheer. From each house, a lot of noise wafted out to the fairly quiet and dark streets.
The carbon footprint last night in Phily was a Iggles Offensive Lineman shoe size 18. Much spirited discussion at a party centered around the need to bring back lighting that twinkled softly like stars pasted in the sky as opposed to the deer-in-the-headlight blinding on-off-on lights that set off catatonia.
Merry Christmas to All the passerbys through this site.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Aging & Eating
This question comes up for pondering each end of year holiday season. As cookies are brought in by fellow employees or gifted to us by some vendors, I find my fingers rove to the piles my eyes lock on. The double-baked concreteness of a biscotti cookie now holds pre-eminent interest while the soft stuff and the filled pile of baked goods are only glanced at. The latter are, like beautiful young waifs, pleasing to the eye but they hold no crunch, no chewability to gnaw on. The biscotti are a treasure-trove of life's hard experiences to be enjoyed in little nips, followed by a chewing and mulling over. To the biscotti you must bring your own liquid, coffee, tea ,or your mouth's juices so you can wear down time's hardening of things gone past. The madeleine? A young man's cookie, malleable and without the hard inner core of substance. It is the elemental biscotti, flour, eggs, water (o.k. an almond or two for additional mulling over), that serves le penseur best. Time and heat. Twice. That's what life, aging, and cookies are all about.
O.K., perhaps a touch of chocolate. Bitter chocolate to be sure; I am, after all, receding to the Bitter Valley of my years.
Labels: Christmas
The Creche for Modern Times
From Moderately Confused, a site run by Jeff Stahler, award-winning editorial cartoonist of the Columbus Dispatch.
Labels: Christmas
Saturday, December 19, 2009
The Tyranny of Tradition
As I was happily shoveling snow this Saturday, I was humming the "Tradition" melody. Two steps back, arms tilted back, one step forward, powering the feathery snow unto the spade, I shouted "Tradition!' "Tradition!!". A great song (from one of my all-time favorite musicals) for this, one of the most tradition bound and gagged of holidays.
After 20 minutes of light work (living in the city, among other benefits, means short work with snow accumulation), I pulled out the ladder to finish up the outside Christmas decoration. Yes, it was snowing. Yes, it was a tad chilly so putting up lights with gloves was a hassle. Yes, the wind was blowing so the light's wires were soon as stiff as gefilte fish.
But, you know, it was tradition.
Our porch was in need of a serious paint makeover this summer, so we decided to engage the services of "alleged" professional painters. Seems that whenever yours truly painted the porch, it had to be re-painted within 3-4 years. All that scraping, sanding, researching paint quality online seemed to be a waste of time. Three years rolls around and I'm on the porch floor with an electric sander.
This time around, it would be different. Professionally different. The male ego, at least that compartment associated with doing-it-yourself, took a serious hit. I whimpered off to that corner Real Men delegate those who wish they were. The professionals stepped in, three strong, to polish off the job in one day, about 5 days faster than I'd ever been able to finish said task.
Then, a week later, the guys showed up again as there seemed to be some "issues" with their professional work efforts.
Three weeks later, they tromped onto the porch again, their Real Manhood in serious jeopardy. Again, they had to re-do major parts of the job as quality was lacking.
By the fourth time that they had to re-visit the place of their work crime, I was coming out of that relegated corner and almost, almost, had a tug of empathy for them. That was soon replaced by a self-justified exhaling of tense breath. I was back into the enclave of Real Men. Their efforts in the Sisyphean porch painting were even more short-lived than mine! If there was RealMenanizing to be done, it was by me, it seems.
I approached the porch this wintry day with a slight hitch in the pants knowing the job in front of me was doable. Then I looked at the door. The trim work was still nicely painted and all of the staple holes from previous years' light mountings were filled. The wood was smooth, daring me to damage it with those miniscule staple holes, each prick an additional insult to the re-painted surface.
I paused, knowing that the traditional door lights will result in a summer full of pinhole filling, sanding, and painting. I looked across the street and saw my neighbor, carefully tying balsam pine roping and lights together as he draped his fence with holiday cheer. Trudging through the 8-10 inches of snow still on the street, I yelled to him requesting advice. This fine guy has been a member of Wilmington's finest for over 20 years. He's had to deal with every member of the Criminal Element Chart. He's faced down some nasty folks and defused all and any situation without anyone getting hurt. This guy was not afraid of anything. So, when I did the minor moan about putting up lights and damaging my door and considering not doing the deed this year, I was stunned by his reaction.
A look of panic and fear came quickly over his face.
"Darko, you can't! I mean, you can't not do it. You must do it!"
"But, "I protested, "this tyranny of tradition is getting a tad tougher to deal with as I get older. Who's even looking or bothering with this stuff that we do anymore?"
He blinked once. Then, once again to emphasize that his view of me was getting closer to associating my character with one of those Criminal Element Chart members.
"Darko....", a long pause "This is what Real Men do. We recognize the Tyranny of Tradition, as you put it, and we soldier on. "
He turned his back to me and continued with his roping. His lovely wife noticed us talking as she worked on the decorations inside their house. She stepped out and in her beautiful sing-song voice offered to me that "(she) was so glad to see me putting up the door lights. It was such a beautiful tradition to look over from (their) house to (our) house and see the hospitable lights, inviting us all into (your) home".
Her husband slightly turned his head and let a barely perceptible shrug shiver from his shoulders. My shoulders, in response, bent forward. I quick-turned back to my house, humming Tradition as I climbed the porch stairs, surrendering to the tyranny.
NB: I have a special affection for the film version of "Fiddler on the Roof" as it was entirely filmed in a few villages just outside of my original home town, Zagreb, Croatia. Those houses? Nothing made up about them; they're still there looking just the same.
Labels: Christmas, Family Matters
Thursday, December 18, 2008
12 Days of Chrismas Music, finished
Apologies to all for the delay on my part in completing The 12 Days of Christmas CD's. Aside from unexpected time constraints, I was surprised at the pile of CD's on my desk that I had to filter through to get to the last 5 of the 12. I had not expected the balance of my "choices" inventory to be so high.8) Blind Boys of Alabama's Go Tell it On a Mountain is the only "spiritual" choice here, not because there weren't other possibilities, simply limited by the self-imposed number 12. Excellent vocals as usual from BBOA and great songs choices. I'll even put up with "The Drummer Boy", the most pain-inducing Christmas song ever. If there were a way to legislate that song out of being, I'd be on the phone 24/7 to my congressional representative.
9) The Anonymous 4's Christmas Music from Medieval Hungary which is not really Christmas music but 20 antiphons. Which is o.k., since the Anonymous 4 members are Susan Hellauer, Ruth Cunningham, Marsha Genensky, Johanna Rose and therefore, not anonymous. This CD is great for hearing in the background as you sit buried in a comfy chair, egg nog in paw, staring at the light patterns developing on the ceiling above your Christmas tree.
10) Yule be Misearable is a collection of various Jazz and off kilter songs performed by a variously talented group of musicians including Ramsey Lewis, B.B. King, Spike Jones, and Louis Armstrong. Holds up incredibly well under constant play, even Spike Jones' "My Birthday Comes on Christmas".
11) This is a toss-up between Dean Martin's Christmas with Dino or Philip Aaberg's Christmas. I love the low key of Aaberg'CD and marvel at how quickly the nerves de-jangle and blood pressure drops, all positive things for music to do.
Dean Martin, on the other hand, was a marvel of creation. I know of no other singer that could sing so effortlessly and effectively. His ability to insinuate a laid-back attitude to his song renditions were the perfect embodiment of "cool". His "Baby, It's Cold Outside" would keep any warm-blooded woman at the house, peeling him a grape. "I've Got My love to Keep Me Warm" sets the scene for fireplace, cocktails, shag rugs, and a night of "Ho. Ho. Ho"'s.
For the fun of it, I'll lean on ol' Dino for # 11...although Aaberg's CD is absolutely gorgeous. You have the urge for a blanket when his notes-of-many-spaces solo piano-playing starts.
Let me end with
12) The Beatles' White Album. "Has he been smoking that mistletoe (don't ask) again?", you may be wondering. Back in the day when Vinyl was King (and Queen, and Prince, and Duke), I received the White Album as a Christmas gift. Rather than playing ANY Christmas music that year, I parked the two vinyl lp's on my Heathkit teak wood needled phonograph and played these albums continually. By late January, the lp's had lost their intense black gloss and were turning a whitish gray scarred look. Are there any traditional Christmas songs on the album? Nope. Any song suggesting holidays? With the exception of the tongue-firmly-in-cheek "Back in the U.S.S.R", nope?
But, these days, whenever I hear any song from this album the first thing that is conjured up is Christmas in New Jersey, a unique state of mind most difficult to explain.
For other more thorough reviews, click here, here, here, and here for Whisky Prajer's views on the aural Christmas cheer.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Statistically speaking you BETTER like this
For those folks out there (and I am certainly in your un-named company) who, in some distant point in time, thoroughly enjoyed the pursuit of the perfect Christmas gift but have now been ground to a soppy pile of dust with gift lists that are ever-changing or requests that are greyish in their description (thus causing you grief of immense size come the 25th when the "grey matter" is opened and sad sighs are released) comes this site as pointed out by Ashlee Vance of the NYT.
After logging in, you enter your filter pattern for products, say Electronics or Jewelry. Then you click you dollar preference range and, voila! Your statistically analyzed choices are presented. If the gifted has complaints on the 25th, you can enlighten said sad-ee as to logic of statistical analysis. If the disappointment is not completely quashed, at the very least a healthy dose of math-driven drivel will dry up the tears.
After logging in, you enter your filter pattern for products, say Electronics or Jewelry. Then you click you dollar preference range and, voila! Your statistically analyzed choices are presented. If the gifted has complaints on the 25th, you can enlighten said sad-ee as to logic of statistical analysis. If the disappointment is not completely quashed, at the very least a healthy dose of math-driven drivel will dry up the tears.
Labels: Christmas, Only in America
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
A Repentent Curmudgeon's Christmas Music List
Over at a fellow curmudgeon's site, Mr. Whisky Prajer has linked to a list of the top ten Worst Christmas related songs. A list, I might add, that seems to have been compiled by a sack of wet-behind-their-deaf-ears youngins who haven’t tromped around the earth long enough to have been truly and permanently injured by songs of Christmas past.
Trying to prove that old dogs can be persuaded to go through the motions of new tricks, I'll remove my curmudgeon crown and list my version of the Top 12 Christmas Albums. A completely subjective list, for sure, but a stack of CD's that have been listened to over innumerable holiday seasons without producing even one Gringe Cringe. For all of the curmudgeons out there? Well there’s hope, still, for those of us whose hearts have not completely frozen over. Of course, by producing this list, I’m assuming that the natural tendencies of curmudgeon-dom will come out. So, I would be disappointed if one of you didn’t leave a lump of coal in the comment section.
Here's the list, in no particular order of preference although...
...1) Charles Brown's Cool Christmas Blues is my all time favorite. Almost always appropriate. Always soothing and calming in the storm of conflicting celebration. I swear that the room temperature goes up and that I smell wood burning when I put this CD on. His piano playing is sublime; his voice divine. THE CD that can be played over and over without annoyance coming in on its little reindeer hooves.
2) Dave McKenna's Christmas Party (which is the same as his Christmas Ivory release) is an album of many interpretive possibilities. It’s simply the recently departed Mr. McKenna’s two hands and one piano. No vocals at all. Great background music that sooths the beast in us all at family gatherings and, yet, a deeply involving album that will have you pushing the pause and back buttons frequently so as to hear certain passages over and over. As with all of this playing, Mr. McKenna combined a touch of subtlety with a show of left hand force that made a "fist in a velvet glove" an earful.
3) Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas. What more can I add to most everyone’s accolades? Listening to it immediately brings back memories of parked in pj’s on wall-to-wall carpeting entranced by a musical cartoon with kids singing with way-too-big mouths (because there’s so much joy in kids, only outsize mouths are possible to release said joy-age) and philosophizing about the Spirit of Christmas. We were little Wittgensteins and Santayanas preparing for dolthood.
4) Dovetailing with #3 is Cyrus Chestnut's take on "A Charlie Brown Christmas", titled….A Charlie Brown Christmas. This CD is not the entire Guaraldi album re-done. Other selections like "The Christmas Song" and some Chestnut compositions are interspersed with choice songs from Guaraldi.
5) Rhino Records, as usual, comes up with a compilation that is tasty and oft-played. Blue Yule offers up some gems by Eddie C. Campbell, a few from Lightening Hopkins and John Lee Hooker, and an old favorite from Canned Heat. There’s humor, sadness, and certainly a tug on the blues here. Scratchy songs will make you think you’re playing vinyl on your CD player while most of the songs cry of having one’s baby home. If you aren’t hugging your significant other after listening to this album and promisin’, "Baby, I’ll change my ways....starting with next year.", well...you’d better hope that Santa delivers that heart you’ve asked for this Christmas.
6) Maxjazz is a small record company out of St. Louis that consistently puts out great-sounding CD’s of artists that should but don’t garner national fame and attention. LaVerne Butler is a particular favorite and Rebecca Martin, another. They offer two holiday records. Eric Reed’s Merry Magic is understatement personified. If you like your holiday listening to be solitary on occasion, this one’s a great pick to hole up with.
7) The other MaxJazz CD offered is a compilation of Christmas cheer as performed by a cluster of artists from the label. MaxJazz Holiday is a fabulous display of the vocal powers of LaVerne Butler, Carla Cook, LaVerne Butler, René Marie, Christine Hitt, Phillip Manuel, and Mary Stallings. If you want to get an idea of the vocal talent of the MaxJazz singers stable, this is a great CD to listen to. Bruce Barth’s arrangements and piano playing are unique in the presentation of traditional Christmas aural fare.
Tomorrow, the balance of the Twelve Days of Christmas Music Favorites will be completed.
Trying to prove that old dogs can be persuaded to go through the motions of new tricks, I'll remove my curmudgeon crown and list my version of the Top 12 Christmas Albums. A completely subjective list, for sure, but a stack of CD's that have been listened to over innumerable holiday seasons without producing even one Gringe Cringe. For all of the curmudgeons out there? Well there’s hope, still, for those of us whose hearts have not completely frozen over. Of course, by producing this list, I’m assuming that the natural tendencies of curmudgeon-dom will come out. So, I would be disappointed if one of you didn’t leave a lump of coal in the comment section.
Here's the list, in no particular order of preference although...
...1) Charles Brown's Cool Christmas Blues is my all time favorite. Almost always appropriate. Always soothing and calming in the storm of conflicting celebration. I swear that the room temperature goes up and that I smell wood burning when I put this CD on. His piano playing is sublime; his voice divine. THE CD that can be played over and over without annoyance coming in on its little reindeer hooves.
2) Dave McKenna's Christmas Party (which is the same as his Christmas Ivory release) is an album of many interpretive possibilities. It’s simply the recently departed Mr. McKenna’s two hands and one piano. No vocals at all. Great background music that sooths the beast in us all at family gatherings and, yet, a deeply involving album that will have you pushing the pause and back buttons frequently so as to hear certain passages over and over. As with all of this playing, Mr. McKenna combined a touch of subtlety with a show of left hand force that made a "fist in a velvet glove" an earful.
3) Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas. What more can I add to most everyone’s accolades? Listening to it immediately brings back memories of parked in pj’s on wall-to-wall carpeting entranced by a musical cartoon with kids singing with way-too-big mouths (because there’s so much joy in kids, only outsize mouths are possible to release said joy-age) and philosophizing about the Spirit of Christmas. We were little Wittgensteins and Santayanas preparing for dolthood.
4) Dovetailing with #3 is Cyrus Chestnut's take on "A Charlie Brown Christmas", titled….A Charlie Brown Christmas. This CD is not the entire Guaraldi album re-done. Other selections like "The Christmas Song" and some Chestnut compositions are interspersed with choice songs from Guaraldi.
5) Rhino Records, as usual, comes up with a compilation that is tasty and oft-played. Blue Yule offers up some gems by Eddie C. Campbell, a few from Lightening Hopkins and John Lee Hooker, and an old favorite from Canned Heat. There’s humor, sadness, and certainly a tug on the blues here. Scratchy songs will make you think you’re playing vinyl on your CD player while most of the songs cry of having one’s baby home. If you aren’t hugging your significant other after listening to this album and promisin’, "Baby, I’ll change my ways....starting with next year.", well...you’d better hope that Santa delivers that heart you’ve asked for this Christmas.
6) Maxjazz is a small record company out of St. Louis that consistently puts out great-sounding CD’s of artists that should but don’t garner national fame and attention. LaVerne Butler is a particular favorite and Rebecca Martin, another. They offer two holiday records. Eric Reed’s Merry Magic is understatement personified. If you like your holiday listening to be solitary on occasion, this one’s a great pick to hole up with.
7) The other MaxJazz CD offered is a compilation of Christmas cheer as performed by a cluster of artists from the label. MaxJazz Holiday is a fabulous display of the vocal powers of LaVerne Butler, Carla Cook, LaVerne Butler, René Marie, Christine Hitt, Phillip Manuel, and Mary Stallings. If you want to get an idea of the vocal talent of the MaxJazz singers stable, this is a great CD to listen to. Bruce Barth’s arrangements and piano playing are unique in the presentation of traditional Christmas aural fare.
Tomorrow, the balance of the Twelve Days of Christmas Music Favorites will be completed.
Labels: Christmas, Recording Reviews
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Christmas Music
Having been schooled from 1st through 8th grades by Catholic nuns (except for Grade 7, when I had some of the best teachers of my life in the country previously known as the Socialist Republics of Jugoslavija), my love for Christmas hymns and songs decreased geometrically with the passing of each year in Catholic grammar school. Singing and marching “Little Drummer Boy” in a Christmas Gala Performance sounded the death knell for me for holiday songs. I couldn’t even stand watching “White Christmas”. I didn’t tell anyone else; I was too terrified that my naturalization papers would get revoked and I’d be shipped via banana boat back to the Land of Jugo’s. It was strange times in our country at the time. School kids hiding under desk kindling as preparation for protection from incoming nuke missiles from Castro’s sugar and cigar plantations. Presidential candidates (i.e., Nixon, first time around) looking unshaven and shifty on tv. Items of low quality coming in from Japan. Strange times, indeed.
Luckily for me, jazz and blues entered my life in my late teen years and songs I had cringed from became listenable once again. Thanks to my ever-loving wife and kids, I started watching "White Christmas" again and, aside from "Blackadder’s Christmas Carol", it’s become a season favorite.
So, joining in on the Christmas list-o-rama of songs, I give you my short list of favorite albums for this time of the year. Let the commenting commence.
My all-time favorite for the ability to be played over and over again with no detectable loss in listenability: Charles Brown’s Cool Christmas Blues.
In no particular order:
Soundtrack from "White Christmas". You have to buy the linked version to get the S/T; it comes with a DVD of the movie. The CD is not available by itself for some reason.
Liz Story - "The Gift"
Jimmy Smith - "Christmas Cookin'"
Los Straitjackets - "Tis the Season for Los Straitjackets"
Maddy Prior & the Carnival Band - "An Evening of Carols & Capers"
A Medley of Peanuts:
George Winston - "Linus & Lucy"
Cyrus Chestnut - "Charlie Brown Christmas"
Vince Guaraldi - "A Charlie Brown Christmas "
Soundtrack from "Diner". YES! This is a Christmas movie. Kevin Bacon in the manger crib. The Battle of the Plastic Wise Men. Christmas shopping for tv sets.
Eric Reed - "Merry Magic"
Various Musicians - "Hipster's Holiday"
Happy Holidays to all and may good music come your way.
Luckily for me, jazz and blues entered my life in my late teen years and songs I had cringed from became listenable once again. Thanks to my ever-loving wife and kids, I started watching "White Christmas" again and, aside from "Blackadder’s Christmas Carol", it’s become a season favorite.
So, joining in on the Christmas list-o-rama of songs, I give you my short list of favorite albums for this time of the year. Let the commenting commence.
My all-time favorite for the ability to be played over and over again with no detectable loss in listenability: Charles Brown’s Cool Christmas Blues.
In no particular order:
Soundtrack from "White Christmas". You have to buy the linked version to get the S/T; it comes with a DVD of the movie. The CD is not available by itself for some reason.
Liz Story - "The Gift"
Jimmy Smith - "Christmas Cookin'"
Los Straitjackets - "Tis the Season for Los Straitjackets"
Maddy Prior & the Carnival Band - "An Evening of Carols & Capers"
A Medley of Peanuts:
George Winston - "Linus & Lucy"
Cyrus Chestnut - "Charlie Brown Christmas"
Vince Guaraldi - "A Charlie Brown Christmas "
Soundtrack from "Diner". YES! This is a Christmas movie. Kevin Bacon in the manger crib. The Battle of the Plastic Wise Men. Christmas shopping for tv sets.
Eric Reed - "Merry Magic"
Various Musicians - "Hipster's Holiday"
Happy Holidays to all and may good music come your way.
Labels: Christmas, Recording Reviews
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
St. Nicholas Eve
Today is the Eve of Saint Nicholas' Day. As stated in the link noted, ...in contradiction to earlier days there should be no frightening or threatening, no putting of moral pressure on the children, especially when St. Nicholas is involved, who always interceded for the suffering and needy. Oh how the day has become wimpy!?!?But, I won't go on here having blogged about it, with relish and a sigh of memories, here. Who needed Monster Horror Pictures with Count Floyd when you had the chain-dragging Krampus around? Let me hear and Ahhh Ohhh!(Hmm, Krampus looks a bit like Gene Simmons, doesn't he?)
Friday, December 08, 2006
Christmas shopping with Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh
Spontaneity and shoppping? Well, that would be me. Hold on. Conditionally, yes, that would be me. What conditions? Shopping in a book/cd/exotic foods/kitchen or tools supply/Lowes store. Take me out of those retail milieus and I'm a keg of TNT waiting for a spark. Come the Christmas season, the sparks are usually a-flying.The ever-loving wife and I finally did something this past weekend that we'd promised ourselves to do since the dawn of our relationship (in some history books also referred to as the Dawn of Time). We (almost) completed our Christmas shopping before Dec. 24th.
How was this conceivable?
Two things.
1) The kids had, for all practical reasons, flown the coop.
2) My ever-loving wife did a mind-meld with me and 'Nuke' LaLoosh.
For those dear readers already familiar with Mr. LaLoosh and Bull Durham, you can skip the next paragraph and go out for a stroll, pet the dog, acknowledge the cat’s superior powers, peel a grape, partake of a bon-bon. Yeah, just move along to the stirring conclusion, if you will.
For my non-American readers (because I assume all Americans knows Bull Durham like they know the words to the national anthem. Well, perhaps a lot better), the following synopsis is offered.
As an American, even a naturalized one, it is understood that there are certain facts of American life that have to be studied intently and committed to your sub-conscious such that future generations of your fine self will already have it in their chromosomes. Some of these items are:
1) Joe DiMaggio hit in 56 consecutive games.
2) The Yankees are the Evil Empire.
3) You don’t order Chicago-style pizza in NYC.
4) You don’t order Brooklyn-style pizza in Chi-town.
5) Whatsamatterwhichyou!!? It’s "tomato gravy", not "tomato sauce" that goes on top of pasta in Philly.
6) You must have at least 78.9% of the Bull Durham script committed to memory.
7) 78.9% of the Bull Durham script can be dropped into any conversation you are having with aplomb (or any other fruit at hand).
Bull Durham is a movie not merely dealing with baseball. The undercurrent subjects include:
1) The game of baseball as a microcosm of the Game of Life.
2) Listening to one’s elders, and
3) Susan Sarandon’s literary and beguiling ways.
Ms. Sarandon, as a general manager of her own life, drafts one lucky minor league baseball player each year to play on her 1-man team. Through means of her own invention, she mentors and molds him for the next level of baseball. For the baseball season that the movie covers here, she has “signed up” one Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh, a pitcher of whom Annie Savoy (Ms. Sarandon) says, “Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off!”. LaLoosh’s control problems extend, so to speak, from the pitching mound to the Turkish-ish boudoir of Annie Savoy. In an effort to correct ‘Nuke’s meltdown, the resourceful Annie suggests to LaLoosh that he should try to breath through his eyelids like a lizard and, allegedly, like the real-life mysterioso LA Dodger pitcher, Fernando Valenzuela. In addition, being a practitioner of Baseball Wicca, she searched through her bag of potions, spells, and lingerie and decided that LaLoosh should wear one of her garter belts. As any baseball or sports enthusiast knows, the higher the level of improbability rises, the stronger is the belief. These two gambits were pitched to ‘Nuke’ so that he could take his mind off of his pitching because, as we all know, a guy can’t think and do at the same time, unless he happens to be sitting in the house. Needless to say (but say, I will) Annie’s concoctions do the trick...for ‘Nuke’, but no trick for her. She’ll have to rely on CJ’s for her tricks.
This all came up as the ever-loving wife and I were meandering through the quickly filling stores last Saturday. My discomfort with excessive amounts of people doing the willy-nilly dance as they careen through the ever-narrowing aisles quickly turned to an immobility caused by the sucking out of my soul.
Ever Loving Wife (ELW) (seeing me deflating onto myself as I leaned on a wall at Macy’s): You’re taking all of this way too seriously.
Me: But this Christmas shopping is serious business. This is the Big Leagues of relationships. One false gift and you're sent down for a year to the bush leagues with folks who chew and spit tobacco.
ELW:Well, I'm glad you're bringing up baseball, because I've got an easy cure for your malevolence toward the gifted.
Me (sequestered on a bench now): Mel Ovents? Third baseman for the Seattle Pilots?
ELW: Don’t get specific with me. Specific doesn’t get you to inner peace. Let me re-introduce you to ‘Nuke’.
Me: LaLoosh? But, he’s all over the place. Uncontrollable emotions and passionate urges. He’s the poster boy of a teenaged guy. Plus, he has moldy shower flip-flops.
ELW: You’re right about the urges and the emotions. What I’m talking about is his cure?
Me: You mean Annie and her literary ways? Or, are you referring to her constant playing of Edith Piaf? Now, that’s a cure! A continual barrage of the Sparrow’s La vie en Rose is enough to cure you of ennui, le temps perdu, and ingrown toenail.
ELW: Thickness is not a virtue, you know. Possibly not even a quirk. No, what I’m referring to is lizard-breathing and garter belts.
Me: Ah yes, the famous reptilian lingerie connection. Go on, my ears are pricked.
ELW: Well, you remember how Annie had provided ‘Nuke’ with a set of her garter belts and then how Crash had correctly fitted said accoutremont on Mr. LaLoosh.
Me: Yes, there was a certain je sais quoi too much about that scene.
ELW : Discomfort brings self-realization, I always say. Was he not a successful pitcher afterwards? Yes! Because he was not thinking about the pitching. He was too busy breathing through his eyelids and wondering what stockings he’d clip on (with care, naturally) onto his garter belt. His mind was elsewhere than the task at hand. You think about this Christmas shopping such that you get your knickers in a bunch. Thinking and bunched knickers are a rough combination; it’s difficult to get oxygen to the brain.
Me : Well, it’s worth a try, at least for one Christmas season. So, which part goes in front? The dangling parts?
So, if you happen to be shopping this weekend and you come upon a guy squirming and fiddling with his pants, no need to shield your eyes. It's most probably me, adjusting my ‘Nuke’ and breathing through my eyelids, just trying to get through the maelstrom of gifting.
Ho, Ho, Ha! A Very Successful Shopping to All!
Note: Some memorable quotes from Bull Durham are here and here. Apologies for duplications.
