Friday, May 05, 2006

Gimme 3 Steps....Mister

A short bit on last night's "The Daily Show" supported by a blessed overstock of 233 blank pages of 8 1/2 x 11 paper led me to this fine place. Jon Stewart had mentioned that within the Homeland Security Guide to the Pandemic Flu, there was a short spiel on the Three Foot Space. Knowing his ability to stretch a fact to its breaking point, I downloaded said 233 pages of the Homeland Security Guide to the Pandemic Flu and found, on page 177, that Mr. Stewart was not stretching the truth. It is specifically stated that "Three feet" is the minimal distance one should keep between co-workers to minimize the passing of the avian flu.

A checklist for keeping up with not getting infected gives you a generally queasy feeling. Yes, there is a checklist of items. But the checklist is so general that it seems it was provided moreso to prevent future lawsuits than to actually help the individual, business, or organization to get things right. It most certainly invites one to contact (and pay) some health officious sounding companies; the checklist provides the worry but not the particulars for assuaging.

For the sake of mnemonics , I say bring back Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Gimme 3 Steps" as the theme song for the Avian Flu. The word "Mister" in the song being an allusion, of course, not to some red-neck in a bar but rather one of our fine-feathered friends who, it seems, would wreak a whole bunch more damage on us than the love taps administered by a honky-tonky bar habituee.

(This is a good place to put to bed the 4th song of the What was I Thinking?? Song Cycle. No need for a long dissertation, complete with footnotes. I won't even place any links to this song. Everyone, unfortunately, knows all too well the gist of the lyrics and the ruanway train guitar hijinks involved of Lynyrds Skynyrd's Free Bird. I will, however, point out this most excellent Reverend Billy C. Wirtz album, "Pianist Envy". One of the songs, "Freeway to Stairbird", a song of ingenuity since it melds the pomposity of "Stairway to Heaven" with the whiny clammering of "Free Bird". I couldn't find the lyrics on line. Please be assured that this cd is a must-have for your collection. And, as always, if you buy the cd and don't like it, return it to me at this internet site and your account will eventually be credited).

So, if the birds are flying overhead, hum that song ("Gimme 3 Steps") and put some snappy steps between you, your co-worker, and influenza.

Wanting to know the latest? Here's the Situation Update from the World Health Organization.

Sheesh. Felt the same way about "Freebird" for the longest time; but with encroaching senility, in which remembrance of days long past is all one remembers of anything, I've found myself listening to the "good" part all over again. Forget the song - it was never the song - it was always the twenty minute ending that mattered.

Now: Stairway? Different story. I've a dipshit kid who recorded it as his voicemail message, with a spine-shuddering "schweeeet" plonked at the end of it.

How did I ever come to raise such a bozon?

On the bright side, I'll soon have forgotten.
Help! I'm laughing harder than I was watching Stewart! Just don't cue up "Freebird", whatever you do.
Hey, "Three Steps" is a great dancing after too many Lone Stars kinda tune.

I say,keep on rockin'it, b-a-a-b-y.
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