Monday, April 09, 2007

Manly Advice #349

When planning any lengthy driving trips that would be incumbent with stop-overs at rest stations frequented by large, swarthy, spitting men with possible pre-Cambrian attitudes about what manliness does and does not entail, it is recommended that your vegetable of choice partaken of at the last meal before the trip is not that primitive-looking stalk known as asparagus. Things are dicey enough in a public facility what with the questionable colors on the wall, stall notations lacking in metaphors and literary allusions, and urinals challenging one's personal space feng shui without having to also concoct a rhetorical discourse to your fellow visitors on the olfactory issues possibly emanating from your body.

Especially when a long-haul truck-driver is parked next to your oh-too-close stall, humming a ditty and sniffing very loudly in your general direction.

A treatise on asparagus is not what he'll be attending his full displeasure on. No, not that. His attention will, my fellow gents, be paid to regaling loudly, I must add, to all of the other rest room standees of the malodorous emanations of your presence.

What started as a simple plan of relief when you pulled off of the highway will now result in a stroll down Junior High School Way. So, resist the temptation of the Asparagus Spear if it is the preservation of your shaky self-perception that is desired.


That is advice that certainly verges on pertinence. So where does the olfactory consequence of a breakfast of Puffed Wheat fit in with these cromagnon types?
Yes, WP, well-noted that I'm carrying out the spirit, if not the intent, of this blog by verging on the pertinent. We tribe of men must learn better to protect ourselves from the verbal slings and the glancing arrows that are launched our way, and surely these little communications of embarrassing events will help rather than hinder.

I will not address the topic of the Puffed Wheat phenomenon on one's digestive system as I've rec'd multiple e-mails from my daughter questioning my need to post the Asparagus Screed. So, WP, you are more than welcome to take on the bodily processes involved with the Puffed Wheat, an erudite topic I'm sure. Or is that airy-dite?
Egads and little catfishes...

Women never behave thusly in the powder room...

unless it is a Led Zepplin concert and substance abuse is rampant and toilet facilities few and far between.
@cowtown pattie, you left out the behavior of the 'Allergy Lobby' those women who smoke and have allergies, and who consequently can't handle one's perfume.
Besides the ladies room half the time has that Simply DREADFUL strawberry scented air freshener.
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