Wednesday, December 21, 2005


When it comes to giving gifts, like some folks I'm virtually uncontrollable if the person I'm acquiring for is remotely interested in the Big Three.
Music, specifically cd's.
Tools. ( and I'm even counting dental care tools here.)

What better gift to buy than one that fits into a category that you are interested in yourself? I used to buy items included in the Wardrobe group, but have admitted defeat in the last year, acknowledging that perhaps my self-supposed eye for sartorial splendour is in need of Lazek surgery. The thank-you's are usually accompanied by a secretive shove of the pants or shirt or dress gifted to the back of a dark closet.
My mania (zeal not being a strong enough word) for the Big Three is well-known by friends and relatives. So, if they're not sure what they want in those categories, a simple "Surprise Me!" allows me to go on the acquisition jaunt with high cheer and best intentions. And, usually, the recepient is as happy with their gift as I was in obtaining it.

I feel I'm relatively reasonable about this gift-giving thing. An acquaintance and I were discussing the trials & the tribulations of striving for that "Wow!" hopefully coming out of the receiver of our gifts. He's honed it down to a razor's edge. His friends and the relatives that he keeps in touch with are limited to one factor.

Is their gift available at Border's?
On Christmas Eve?
Between the hours of 5:00 pm and 12:00 pm?

If not, he severs ties. Simple and efficient.
Since I'm not there yet (and hopefully won't ever be in that zone), I feel I'm relatively flexible about this gift thing. Within acceptable reason, of course.

This mania for the Big Three goes both ways. Friends and relatives feel they are in the safe gift zone if they give me something from one of the Big Three. This sounds fair and equitable, right? Unfortunatley, I am a gigantic pain in the backside about getting gifts. In quite a few cases, cd's, books, or tools given to me are duplicates of what I already have, or worse, I've already owned these items and have given them up becasue I wasn't happy or I was bored with them.
It's an ugly thing. Folks that like me don't want to step into that "gift card" situation as it seems too impersonal. But years of non-"Wow!" gifts have left them tired or ticked off with me. Justifiably. Note that I'm a lousy liar so any non-authentic "Wow!"ing comes off lame. Hell, I'd slap me if I saw my face when pawning off a lame "Wow!".

That's why I tell friends and relatives to get me nothing. And I mean it. Really! At least until I can master my facial muscles to a used car salesman condition. Why waste their money and hurt their feelings? Nothing is more than enough for me. (And in anticipation of comments from Stephenesque and Bleak Mouse, yes, I'd already guessed that Nothing was exactly whatI'd be receiving from you fine gentlemen. So....nipping that comment vein in the bud, I'm expecting more better different commentary from the both of you.)

Once in a while, something appears, though, that sets the heart a-racing. The Band-A Musical History just came out recently. 102 songs, 9 videos, 5 cd's, 1 dvd, 1 hardcover book, 30 previously un-realesed tracks.
I believe a "Wow!" will be genuinely easy to muster. Perhaps a click of the heels and a cock-a-doodle-doo thrown in for effect.

And I'm not trying to be subliminal here.

Actually, at a molecular level, gifts, being physical objects, are mostly comprised of empty space, with the odd subatomic particle here and there, and a few stray electromagnetic fields.

They say it's the thought that counts, but neural impulses fare even worse under this mode of analysis.

I say, give people liquor, or, if they are teetotalers, drugs.
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